Jokes

Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump-me Dump-me.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

[b] At beautiful blonde lady decides to do something wild , she hasen't done b4 , so she sets out to rent her fie-rst x rated adult video.

Sjhe goes to the Video store and , after looking around for a while ,she selectes atitle that sounds very stimulatating.

When sg=he arrives home , she lights some candles , slip into something comforstble, and put the tape into the vcr. To her disappointment, there"s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

I just rent an adult movie from you and theres nothing on the tape but static ". "Sorry about that replied the stroe clerk.

We"re had problems with some of those tapes ." Which title did u rent?

The blonde replied " iTS Called the Head Cleaner "

Gavin wrote:

[b] At beautiful blonde lady decides to do something wild , she hasen't done b4 , so she sets out to rent her fie-rst x rated adult video.

Sjhe goes to the Video store and , after looking around for a while ,she selectes atitle that sounds very stimulatating.

When sg=he arrives home , she lights some candles , slip into something comforstble, and put the tape into the vcr. To her disappointment, there"s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

I just rent an adult movie from you and theres nothing on the tape but static ". "Sorry about that replied the stroe clerk.

We"re had problems with some of those tapes ." Which title did u rent?

The blonde replied " iTS Called the Head Cleaner "

HAHAHA..............

In a second grade class, Susie asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?" "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.
"Forty."

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

Susie answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

Susie answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, Little Johnny behind Susie gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely young woman for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.
The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

hahaha lil johnny and susie

I got some from pinkbaboon and i knew some

lolz wow.. sum crazy jokes there

okai so todai i was walkin up the stairs in skool talkin to my friend, didnt watch where i was going, bumped into a guy n tumbled straight rite bak 2 the bottom ....btw i was practically at the top of the stairs wen i tumbled so i had a pretty great fall..now my back hurts

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!

Beer drinking: Words of Wisdom

Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked", perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
Keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
Has taken out of me. -Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. -Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -Catherine
Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to Thank her. -W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. "Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. -His reply

Work is the curse of the drinking class. -Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet It makes beer shoot out your nose. -Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind Is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind. -Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. -David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they Just like to piss a lot. -Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. -George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
With his fools. -For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me "so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-Homer Simpson

BEER QUOTES

New Alcohol Warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

My Wife is not Speaking to Me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."


The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.


"Yeah, except today is the last night."

:lol!:

I love this one :
New Alcohol Warnings

LOL

A father and his son go into a supermarket and they end up by the condom display.
the son ask his father why there are so many different voxes of condoms.
the father replies,"Well u see that 3pk?thats for when ur in high school.you have 2 for friday nite n one for saturday nite."
the son then asks his dad wht the 6 pk?
father: thats for when ur in college, you have 2 for friday nite,2 for saturday nite,2 for sunday morning.
son: why the 12 pk?
father: thats for when ur married! u got 1 for january, 1 for feb, 1 for march, one for .........