Jokes

A matter of pride

Little Billy was at school one morning when the teacher asked all the children what their father did 4 a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman,policemen,slaesman,companyCEO,etc, but litttle billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer ina gay club and takes off his clothes infront of other men.
Sometimes if the nite is really good,he'll go out wid a man, rent a cheap hotel and let dem sleep with him.
the teacher quickly set the other children some work n questioned lil billy.
Teacher: Is that really true Billy?
Billy:No!, he plays 2 the west indies but i was 2 embarassed to say that.

hehe

Giant Carrot

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot.
She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's."

The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"

"No, that dirty."

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...

"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"

Mirror, Mirror

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.

"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.

"I think--"

"POOF!"

Blonde Rents Porno

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'

Pregnancy Test

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy.
Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Child custody

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Men Are Selfish Early In Life

Sometimes we wonder where men learn to be so selfish.
A substitute teacher reports recently she was teaching math to some second graders.

She said to one boy, "If you have five apples and I asked you for one, how many would you have left?" The boy didn't bat an eye. "Five," he answered.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
>Toys
>The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
>Well, Lena ( A Pretty Young Blonde ) is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
>her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
>door.
>The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
>employee.
>
>He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
>up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
>The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
>men march down to the factory floor.
>
>When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
>Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
>up.
>
>At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
>Elmo's.
>
>She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
>
>The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
>wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package
>between Elmo's legs.
>
>The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.
>
>After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
>approached Lena.
>
>"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
>think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."



"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

LMFAO nice 1 orion lol

[b]

WHAT DOES WOMEN & HURRICANE HAVE IN COMMON ?

ANSWER !

THEY BOTH COME WET & WILD

[b]

THIS 4 DE GUYS TO LOL

DO U KNEW Y GIRLZ ALWAYS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP

IN THE MORNING THATZ DE FIRST THINGS THEY DO .

CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE BALLZ TO RUB .

Gavin wrote:

[b]

THIS 4 DE GUYS TO LOL

DO U KNEW Y GIRLZ ALWAYS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP

IN THE MORNING THATZ DE FIRST THINGS THEY DO .

CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE BALLZ TO RUB .

hey hey thats not funny

Gavin wrote:

[b]

THIS 4 DE GUYS TO LOL

DO U KNEW Y GIRLZ ALWAYS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP

IN THE MORNING THATZ DE FIRST THINGS THEY DO .

CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE BALLZ TO RUB .

Hey where did you get that one bro

I doubt that

Ya me too