Jokes

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 12:10 pm

A Changed Man

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 12:14 pm

The Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 12:31 pm

Real Meaning of Personal Ads From Men

40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-year-old
Athletic = Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

Educated = Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit = Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking = Arrogant

Honest = Pathological Liar

Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle = Insecure, overly dependent

Mature = Until you get to know him

Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit = I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet = Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual = Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter

Sunday Stable = Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 2:13 pm

Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nudity

Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer

So funny, I love those two.

lol!

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 4:37 pm

Areefa wrote:: Real Meaning of Personal Ads From Men

40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-year-old
Athletic = Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

Educated = Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit = Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking = Arrogant

Honest = Pathological Liar

Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle = Insecure, overly dependent

Mature = Until you get to know him

Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit = I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet = Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual = Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter

Sunday Stable = Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer

thats so not true afro

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 5:29 pm

Why is that,"so not true"?

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 10:49 pm

So totally True Razz

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 11:08 pm

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Subject: Re: Jokes Mon Apr 30, 2007 11:14 pm

Dr.Feelgood

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

Subject: Re: Jokes Tue May 01, 2007 4:53 pm

I love the first one. lol!

Didn't really get the second one. Crying or Very sad

Subject: Re: Jokes Tue May 01, 2007 9:48 pm

it had to do with the size of the hole inside the cheerios n the doughnut hehe

Subject: Re: Jokes Tue May 01, 2007 10:45 pm

15 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.''
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
Cool

Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.''
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

Subject: Re: Jokes Wed May 02, 2007 2:36 pm

3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''

lol!

Subject: Re: Jokes Wed May 02, 2007 5:53 pm

lol well i do numba 4 alll the time not killer persay but lets say i like to talk the movie lol only to annoy of course lol Twisted Evil

Subject: Re: Jokes Wed May 02, 2007 6:56 pm

Long time haven't seen you around Candy, we miss u!!

Subject: Re: Jokes Wed May 02, 2007 9:57 pm

i missed u guys too.

Subject: Re: Jokes Thu May 03, 2007 2:14 am

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, ...no one
wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims,.... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!"

More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces
with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ....
"Screw the Preacher!"

Subject: Re: Jokes Thu May 03, 2007 4:34 pm

That's funny.

Subject: Re: Jokes Thu May 03, 2007 9:49 pm

good one

Subject: Re: Jokes Fri May 04, 2007 1:49 pm

lol that was funny

Subject: Re: Jokes Fri May 04, 2007 7:57 pm

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger
brother
who is
only 9 years old.One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend
home
foa little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his
little
brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up to the top>>>> bunk. As you might expect things start to
heat
up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells
>his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and
"tomato"
if
>she wants a
new position.>>>>>>>> Lettuce!!!>>>> Tomato!!!>>>> Lettuce!!!>>>>
Tomato!!!>>>> Lettuce!!!>>>> Tomato!!!>>>> She screams.>>>>
Lettuce!!!>>>>
Tomato!!!>>>>>>>> Whoa!!!>>>> PULL IT OUT!!!>>>> PULL IT OUT
NOW!!!>>>> I
can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would
you guys
stop making >sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!*!*!*!*!>>>>

Subject: Re: Jokes Sat May 05, 2007 12:38 pm

lmao

Good one Bev lol!

Subject: Re: Jokes Sat May 05, 2007 9:29 pm

I know, I just love this joke. lol!

Subject: Re: Jokes Sat May 05, 2007 9:51 pm

Where Do Babies Come From?

A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she had just found out where babies come from. Her mother said, "Oh really? Please do tell!"
The little girl said, "First, Daddy's penis gets hard and then he puts it in Mommy's mouth..."

Her mother interrupted her and said, "Oh no honey, that's where jewelry comes from!"

Subject: Re: Jokes Sat May 05, 2007 10:28 pm

Hehehe....